¡soy madrileña!

Dear Amy/Obadiah/Ames/Amos,


Of course you're next in my blog to be dedicated a letter. Did you really think otherwise? I haven't blogged in a month and I have no idea where to even start with this one. The last time I wrote I went to Milan, and since then I have been a busy bee! I have been much more social this past month and have met new people, had some awkward encounters, explored the city, and traveled to Athens and Paris. What a month!
Some things that I currently love about Madrid is that there are Christmas lights all over the center, it is not super cold during the day, and there are so many places to see and people to hang out with. I think I've laughed more in the past 3 weeks than I have total in the whole semester... yay for sarcastic humor! 


Anyway, while your Thanksgiving day probably involved sleep, family, football, parades and food, mine included going to class and eating meatballs with rice. Super exciting, right? At least I got to partake in a giant dinner a couple days later with a bunch of friends. We had turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, green bean casserole, and TONS more food. I wish I had some of that right now. 


Enough about food. Let's talk travel! On Wednesday, November 16 a guy I met in class (Paul) and I randomly decided to buy tickets to Athens to meet another friend there. Two days later we were in Greece! Insane. I absolutely loved every second of it. It was amazing to see ancient Greek ruins and be in a city with so much history. I got to stand on Mars Hill, where the Apostle Paul preached to the Greeks in Acts 17:16-24. I still can't believe it. As for the city of Athens, from the Acropolis it is beautiful and impressive, but once you are walking in it you can see that it is covered in graffiti and grime. There are also stray dogs EVERYWHERE. I wouldn't want to walk around there by myself. We walked through the main part of the city at least 3 times, took loads of pictures, ate Greek food, bought souvenirs, walked around a crowded market type place, sat on the roof of our hostel, and even danced a little bit. Even the plane rides were enjoyable. SwissAir is great because they feed you! (We had a layover in Zurich, Switzerland... I want to go back and go hiking/backpacking there someday. And after that I also want to go to Santorini, Greece). 


Two weeks later I was off to Paris! Our flight was supposed to leave at 8:30 but it didn't leave until after 9:30. Ignacio and I were standing in line to board the plane when they announced that the gate number changed. With this particular airline it is first come, first serve seating so everyone started running like maniacs to the new gate. It was seriously like a stampede. Naturally, both of us ran as well and I could barely breathe because I was laughing the whole time at the ridiculousness of it all. Wish you could have been there to see it. By the time we finally got to Paris it was too late to catch a train so our only option was a 55 euro taxi. Needless to say, I was less than thrilled. We spent the next two days exploring the city/taking pictures. Every single building is beautiful! I can't even imagine how incredible it would be in the Spring. I would live in Paris if I had the chance... at least for a while. I wish I knew French! My favorite part of the city would have to be...... uhh.... I can't pick. I got into the Lourve fo' FREE thanks to my visa, and it is the best museum I've been to, mainly because it was the least boring. :) I saw the Mona Lisa, and she is incredibly small. It definitely didn't change my life, however the Egyptian section was pretty sweet. 


We also walked along the Avenue des Champs-Élysées and shopped, bought sandwiches from  some vendors, saw the Arc de Triomphe, and ate at Quick, a French fast food chain. It was a great trip and I definitely want to go back someday. 
This week I only have 2 days of class, so aside from the fact that I really need to be productive, it's going to be a great week.


Love you so much.
Watch this for old time's sake :)


Your one and only Turra.

i'm a travelin' man... er, woman

I've decided to mimic my lovely friend Maddie, and write a few blog posts in the form of letters. In her honor, the first shall be to her :)


Dear Maddie Moo,
      If it isn't obvious, I MISS YOU! Your blog inspires me to try to be a more interesting blogger. I'm so happy to see that you seem to be loving Murray and college! It's great, isn't it? It's seriously been the best time of my life. Just today I was thinking how wonderful it is to still be a college student. I'm living in Europe, I don't work, I have loads of free time, I never have class on Fridays, and I'm traveling the world! How much better can it get?? Perhaps I could have a few more friends...good thing I'm practicing my conversation skills. If it weren't for the internet and social media I'd either die of loneliness or be hyper productive and active. I have suspicions that the former would occur.
      Anyhow, life has been a whirlwind! This past weekend I went to Italy. Did you get that? ITALY. Although I wasn't able to grace Rome or Venice with my presence, I did make appearances in Milan and at Lake Como. For the fashionista, fancy pants or richy rich, Milan is the epicenter of Italy. The streets are full of people walking madly around, in and out of shops and boutiques, with their hands full of recently purchased designer goods. For the not-so-wealthy, such as myself, it is a game of "try to find something cheap---I just want so say I bought something from Italy!!" This worked out pretty well for me, as I came home with a nice grey blazer. After a 50% discount it cost me 18 euros, which is less than $30! Not only did I get a blazer for this amount, but that $30 also bought me the opportunity to experience one of the lovely cross-dressed shop employees. As soon as she opened his mouth, I knew she was a man. (Did you catch that?)
       Just a hop, skip and a jump from all the shopping lies the historical center of the city, complete with a cathedral, the Duomo, and one of the oldest shopping malls in the world, the Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II, home to Louis Vuitton, Prada and of course, McDonald's -- Is anything complete without it? (Don't believe me? Take a virtual tour.) The Duomo is spectacularly spooky. What a perfect place to visit right before Halloween!

 Amazingly, entree is free, which does not happen very often at cool places in Europe. I've heard that it took around 500 years to build and that there are about 3,500 statues on/within the cathedral. The inside is dark and daunting, and although taking pictures and video was supposedly prohibited, I snuck a few (hey, all the Asians were doing it!). 

      Although it may surprise you, my favorite part was not the grandeur of the architecture, nor the magnificent pillars and spires but rather the numerous dead priests I encountered. Oh, you think I'm joking? I'm not. there are quite a few all glass "caskets" lining the inside of the building, each one home to the body or skeleton (depending on when he died) of a different priest. They were all wearing robes and shoes, and most of them had face coverings, but you could see their creepy dead hands and parts of their heads, some of which even still had hair. One of the older ones was not wearing a mask and thus his skull was just hanging out on a nice white pillow. I desperately wanted to take pictures to prove what my eyes could not believe, but I thought that would be extra disrespectful to Catholic tourists. Luckily there are other people in cyberspace who are a little more cavalier than I am. ***Warning*** Grab a barf bag before you click here or here.
     Aside from hitting the main attractions I also went to an annual medieval festival, located at the castle in Milan, complete with lame reenactments and pricey souvenirs. However I did meet a nice British couple so that was pretty joyous to actually have a conversation in English. They directed us (my friend Sarah and I) to walk around the GIANT park and see the monument built by Napoleon Bonaparte (is it bad that I almost typed Dynamite?) when he captured Italy. Pretty cool stuff, even for a non-history buff like myself! The next day we went to Lake Como, a mere hour away by train, took a boat tour, walked around, finally ate pasta from Italy, and then returned to Milan. 

     Although Milan was fun, I think I would prefer Rome, or somewhere a little more beautiful. Needless to say, I had never been so happy to be back in Madrid. I think one of the best things about this experience is that I have now legitimately traveled (went to the airport, got my boarding pass, flew to Italy, bought a bus ticket, rode to the city, and vice versa for the way home) all by myself. Independence is thrusting itself upon me, and today I love it. I'm not sure about tomorrow yet.
Since being back in my quaint home away from home I have written a research paper, written an essay, and taken two midterms, all in Spanish. BLECH. The good news is that my weekend began about three hours ago and I now have three and a half days to do what I want. Oh sweet relaxation! 
     Also, today on my way home from class I gave a homeless lady a clementine. That might sound so pathetic that it's funny, but it was all I had. I see her almost every day and today I happened to have two clementines, one that I was eating and an extra one. I just walked up and handed it to her and she gave me a big smile and said "Gracias! Gracias!" I felt bad that that was all I gave her. :(


Well that's it for my adventures this week! ttfn


Love you lots,
Tara

dedication

It has occurred to me that since I do not keep a diary, aside from pictures my blog will be the only record of my time in Spain... so therefore I want to post more frequently. Of course this will mean shorter posts, and perhaps entries that are not the most interesting. From now on my purpose will be to keep track of my life here, so that I can remember in the future. :)
This past weekend I went with Ignacio to Valencia to visit our friends Sarah, Borja and Luis. It was really fun and a change to be around people 24/7. On Friday afternoon we hung out and relaxed a bit in Sarah's apartment, then later went to see the Mediterranean Sea. I can't wait to go back someday when it is warm and I can swim! That evening we met some of Sarah's friends and all went to a popular bar with an outside terrace called "100 Montaditos." Montaditos are like tiny little sub sandwiches (like 3.5" X 1.5") and there are 100 different kinds on the menu. The least expensive ones are 1 euro and the most expensive are 2 euros. This is really great because you can try all different kinds without spending tons of money! That night I had 4 (relax, it was my dinner): shrimp with allioli, spanish omelette with allioli, grilled chicken with sauce, and BLT (sort of). They are warm and so delicious! 
Saturday was a day of walking. Downtown Valencia is beautiful, and there are lots of great parks, old bridges, and an ENORMOUS group of modern museums. Sadly they cost about 25 euros a piece to enter and I am poor. The city also has this incredible bicycle system - for only 18 euros a year you can take any bike from the various stations throughout the city and ride on the specially made bike paths. All include a basket on the front as well. I want that in Madrid!

http://www.valenbisi.com/

Sunday was a day of relaxation and then going to eat a lunch of paella, salad, pork, bread, and ice cream - all for 5.50 euros! Chinese people give good deals. 
Also, Sarah and I spontaneously decided to buy tickets to Milan, Italy this weekend, 4 days before leaving because we have a 5 day weekend. No big deal. I leave on Thursday and I'm kind of freaking out.
Today is my birthday. I'm now 23. That sounds like an adult, right? Don't let the number fool you. Yesterday I got a package in the mail from my mom. I'm pretty sure my mom could be a professional box packer because she fits insane amounts of items into one small box. You know those flat rate boxes you can get for free from the post office? She sent me a medium flat rate box that had the following items:
Full size jar of peanuts, small french press coffee maker, 3 mini coffee bags, creamer packets, Mentos, 6 FiberOne bars, 2 healthy candy bars, 2 Fastbreak bars, 2 energy bars, candy, a box of brownie mix, icing, sprinkles, a jar of peanut butter, 2 mini cans of Diet Dr. Pepper, gum, playing cards, a little pumpkin thing, and possibly something else I'm forgetting. I'm so impressed. 

I'm currently doing laundry to prepare for Italy, then I'm going to workout*, shower, do some homework, and go to the Bonet's to make brownies.


*I tell myself this everyday and it actually comes to fruition about, errrrr, maybe 20% of the time. I need Stephanie Durell! Therefore the title of this post refers to my henceforth efforts to be more committed to my blog, exercising and various other life-improvements.

video-logging

 I just decided to make a video instead a type this time. This is from last week, but I just was able to put it on my blog. 


I sound manly because I was sick. Lo siento.

aprovechar

aprovechar: to take advantage of


Everyone is telling me to take advantage of my time in Spain, but the problem is is that I'm not quite sure how to go about doing that. I have found it incredibly difficult to make friends, thus there is not much to do that seems really fun alone. I went to the international club last night and met more people, so that was really good. Maybe things are starting to look up. I keep having dreams that I have already returned home and in my dreams I think, "I was in Spain for 2 seconds and didn't do anything. I have nothing to say to people about it!" It is pretty depressing. Luckily I wake up and realize that I still have two more months left, however it makes me analyze my time here thus far. Everyone told me that studying abroad would be a life changing experience, but I do not feel like my life has been impacted at all. Yes, I am learning a lot about the language and culture, but just like in my dreams, if I were to go home right now, I feel like I have nothing to say to people about Spain. I haven't had any great adventures or tons of laughs. Of course there has been laughter and fun activities, but other than that, I feel like all I do is waste my time. On a good note, I have recognized this and can now try to change it.


***Note: I'm not sitting and crying in my room all day, nor am I sitting around feeling depressed. Just to make that clear.


Enough of that personal stuff. I really hate writing what's on my mind, but for the sake of remembering Spain, I did.


I haven't really noticed more cultural differences. I have been here for about five weeks now and things that used to be abnormal are now normal to me, so my observational skills are somewhat lacking. I have really come to enjoy the mealtimes in Spain, and I would love to adopt this tradition in the U.S., but I'm sure that won't work out well, since no one else will want to follow suit. In case you forgot:


Breakfast - when you wake up
Snack - 11-12
Lunch - 2 - 3pm
Snack - 6-7 pm
Dinner - 9 -10pm


This is a great schedule because in the states we eat all our meals by about 7pm, which means that from 7pm until I go to bed I have to resist food. This usually does not work out well for me, and I end up snacking a ton, which leads to unhealthy overeating. Since dinner is so late in Spain, when I snack between lunch and dinner, I am able to be much more self controlled because I can tell myself "Oh, I don't want to get full because I will be eating dinner in a few hours." The dinner that follows is usually pretty light anyway. The other night I went to a big dinner at the Bonet house and it consisted of an appetizer of ham and crackers, a main soup/dish of potatoes and salmon, a course of 6 different cheeses, jams and bread, and a dessert of ice cream. Lunch is definitely the biggest meal and I like that. 


Welp, I decided to write this post instead of going running, so I suppose I will go do that now. 


Oh, one last thing. Two new shows were recently introduced to me- New Girl, thanks to Amy bo bamy, and Up All Nigh, thanks to Stephanie. It would not be a bad decision to go watch some episodes. Right now. Do it. They provide laughter and "American" humor for me here in Europe.

I have been making a list of things I want to remember/blog about for the past two weeks, so this entry will most likely be a little lengthy. I just cleaned and re-organized my room, and I am currently sitting on my bed next to my open window enjoying the brilliance of the natural light and listening to the hustle and bustle of the city outside my window. It being a Sunday, it is quieter than usual, but by no means is silent. 

My current view

Since my list of observations is so long, I’ll get right to it.

-Motorcycles, scooters, and mopeds: They are allowed to go wherever they want, and do not necessarily have to follow the rules of traffic. Yes, they have to stop at red lights, but they are permitted to weave in and out of cars and go to the front of the line at stoplights. The other day I saw someone riding a moto and apparently he was a little impatient for the light to turn green and decided to just turn and drive on the sidewalk. They are also allowed to park on the sidewalks.

-Speaking of parking, drivers are crazy here. Since it is a city, parking is in high demand, so there are often times when parking spaces are impossible to find. When this happens, people invent their own parking spots, such as half-way on the sidewalk, halfway in the road, or just double parking in a traffic lane next to an already-parallel parked car. I even saw a smart car that evidently could not fit in a parallel parking spot next to the sidewalk so the owner decided to park perpendicular to the sidewalk. I guess he thought since his car was so small, it wasn’t that big of a deal that it stuck out into the road a little bit.

-Smoking: Everyone smokes. It’s kinda gross. I was hanging out with a group of 7 Spanish girls one time and 5 of them were smoking. It’s not just one cigarette either… it’s like 8. 

-Windows: I have yet to see windows with screens. They don’t exist, but everyone leaves their windows open all the time. The great thing is that since it is a city, there aren’t really any bugs! Even at night I can leave my window open and not see a single moth or mosquito. It makes the outdoors so much more enjoyable. 

-The sun currently rises at 8:05 am. That is so insane to me. This means that when I walk to class in the mornings, it’s pretty chilly. 

-Beer: Multiple Spaniards have told me that beer is a huge part of their culture, and it’s true. You can find beer easier than you can find coffee here. In the United States, oftentimes beer is related to partying and drunkenness, but here it is totally different. People drink a beer with their meals, they drink a beer while having “tapas”, or they drink a beer for refreshment. You can even order beer at McDonald’s. It’s basically just another drink.

-Soda: Spain only has about 4 sodas; Coca Cola, Coca Cola Light (Diet Coke), Fanta Orange, and Fanta Lemon. I don’t drink Fanta at home, but the Coke here tastes different because it is made with cane sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup. I was craving Dr. Pepper and had to search high and low for it until I finally discovered an American shop. Sadly it didn’t taste the same. I much prefer high fructose corn syrup to sugar cane! That sounds so gross, but it’s true. Also, when I order a Coca Cola Light at a terraza or restaraunt, it is served to me in a 200mL glass bottle. 200mL! That’s it! Do you realize how small that is?? I’m used to drinking 32-44 oz which is like 5-6x that. 

-Wedding rings are not that big of a deal, from what I have seen. Lots of people don’t wear them, and two girls I met wore them on their right hands. I’m still not sure why, or if other people do that, but I thought it was interesting. 

-Milk: One of the most confusing things to me about Spain is the milk. The first time I was in the grocery store looking at milk I discovered that it was in 1liter cartons...on shelves! GROSS. I am not sure how it is made, but it is not fresh milk and therefore doesn’t have to be refrigerated before it is opened. Obviously it tastes different and I don’t drink it because it makes me want to barf. Just knowing that it can sit on a shelf and not in a fridge freaks me out. 

-Dogs: Uhhh, everyone has dogs and walks them all the time. Maybe next time I’m out I’ll try and count how many dogs I see, but there are hundreds. I guess that is typical of a big city?

-Drying clothes: Some people have dryers I suppose, but most people hang dry their clothes outside. I did laundry the other day and had to hang my clothes do dry on a line outside that is strung between two of my windows. I used clothespins and everything! Haha it was definitely a new experience. I was afraid my clothes were doing to fall off and plummet three stories down. 

-Metro- I have only been on the metro like 5 times, but it is like a whole other world. It is huge! It is 3-4 stories underground, and it is very nice and clean. It is definitely a great system.

There were a few days when I first moved into my apartment that I was all alone and crying every day because I just wanted to go home (sort of), but now I have 2 roommates! One is from Bulgaria and she moved in two days ago. The other one moves in next weekend. I want to enjoy things that are different here, but I’m also realizing how many things I love about the United States that I didn’t really know I loved. For example, Panera (and other places with unlimited free wifi), giant sodas, milk, my car, etc.

Taste of home!

I ate that! It was delicious

One thing I really love is the bread. I can buy a fresh baguette for .40 €… that’s like 

$.56! So basically I eat a lot of bread. And cheese. Presidente brand of brie cheese is only 2 € here, and at home its like $6-8. I also drink a lot of juice. My favorites are orange juice and peach grape juice. 1 liter costs about .70 €. Yesterday I went to the supermarket and bought the following items:

Orange juice, peach grape juice, tortilla española (big potato omelet thing), some sandwich paste stuff, a baguette, eggs, chocolate, and sweetener, all for just 6.86 €! I thought it was pretty cheap.

Well I’ve written a novel, so I’m done for today. :)

well hello there Europe

I've been in Spain for about three and a half days now, and I can't decide if it has felt like eternity or just a moment. Thus far I have been to visit El Centro (the center of Madrid), El Parque de Retiro (a park), and today three friends and I drove to Toledo, an old beautiful town about an hour from Madrid. Everything here is beautiful and I love it. 


I think I will try to use this blog to write about the things I see and learn so that I don't forget them. In the past four days I have noticed quite a bit about the people and culture of Madrid, so I will just list what I can think of:


-Meals: Spaniards eat breakfast when they wake up (whatever time that may be, depending on the person), and lunch around 2 or 3 pm. Dinner is usually around 9-10. This is not just college students or young people, this is everyone. For example, today I ate lunch at 5:30 pm... it is 9:40 and we have yet to eat dinner. (Today was an exception because we did not have "breakfast" until about 1:30 pm). People also eat with knifes and forks ALWAYS, unless they are eating a sandwich. This is hard to get used to. We Americans are not classy eaters at all. 


-Radio: The pop radio station plays a lot of American music. I find that interesting and slightly comforting because I know the songs. 


-Ignacio has a friend that when speaking in English, has a complete British accent. It blows my mind. If I never knew he was Spanish, he would fool me. 


-Night life: Everyone stays up late! Even parents and grandparents may decide to go out to dinner at 10pm and not go to be until midnight. Young people stay up all night sometimes... not just the "crazy ones" but all of them. One of the girls that lives in the house that I'm staying at is 24 years old... the other day she did not get home from being out all night until 9:30 a.m. That's insane. A lot of people don't even leave to go out until 3 a.m. 


-Food: food is so much more fresh and healthy here. I had fresh shrimp for the first time ever, and I had to rip its head, skin, legs, and tail off myself to eat it. Bread is eaten with everything, and processed food is not common. Fruit and yogurt are considered dessert. I was eating a yogurt and was asked "Why are you eating that before dinner? That is dessert!" 


-McDonalds: Amy, I went to McDonald's and they don't have double cheeseburgers :( The menu has a few similar things, but it also has other weird things like some burger called the CBO (chicken, bacon, onion), the New York Crispy, and the McRoyal Deluxe. Plus its more expensive.... like 5.80 euros a meal. That is like $7-8! Boooo. 


-Diet Coke: Here is is called Coca Cola Light, and it tastes like weird regular coke. Non-diet Coke tastes different as well. I noticed that neither one contains any sodium. Strange!


-Kisses: Anytime you meet new people or are reunited with people, you give a kiss on each cheek to greet. This is nice, but also somewhat annoying to me because anytime a new person comes I have to stand up and go greet them. 


That is all I can think of right now.

Oh, Canada!

After a slight delay (and by slight, I mean a whole day) I am finally on my way to Madrid!
Current Location: Toronto, Canada
Pros:
-Free WIFI in the airport!!
-I met 2 other guys going to Madrid that have been very helpful


Cons:
-Uhh 7 hour layover which means I'm stuck chilling in an airport
- I already lost my travel pillow :(

What I can see of Toronto from my little cafe table.

It's almost time!

I leave for Spain in a grand total of 5 and a half days. FIVE DAYS! Since my great idea is to keep up with a blog while I am abroad, I figure I better start now. Although everyone else is back in school, my summer dwindles on, and I am using this week to wrap up some last minute details before my trip. Yesterday I was strangely overcome with a desire to start packing, and a few hours later, I had filled 3 suitcases (don't judge... one is a carry-on) full of stuff. And by full I mean STUFFED. Being a girl, it is very difficult to eliminate things like clothing and shoes, so needless to say, I probably have way too many. In my defense, I am going into a completely new culture, so how am I supposed to know what clothes I will wear?! I need to be prepared :) Luckily my biggest suitcase weighs just under 50 pounds. I still haven't figured out what I will do with all the stuff I buy in Spain and want to bring home...


My emotions about leaving tend to oscillate between hyper-excited and terrified. I think I am mostly nervous about the flying - the layover, switching planes, the 8-9 hour flight, and possibly having to sit crammed between two people for that long of time.

Oh yeah, I still don't know where I'm living when I get there. Luckily my friend Sarah and I are staying with our friend Ignacio and his family for about a week, who are from Madrid. They are going to help me find an apartment. 


I can't wait to explore, see beautiful places, take wonderful pictures, indulge in Spanish cuisine, and grow in unimaginable ways.

deep holes make deep wells

So I have a wonderful friend (who shall remain nameless as not to inflate his pride ;) who has really encouraged me as of late. I texted him a few weeks ago confessing that I live a performance driven life and that it is so often hard for me to believe the Gospel and to believe I am blameless before God, DESPITE my absolute failure to be perfect. He emailed me some of his thoughts and it was so encouraging I decided to share it... so here it is:

"...I tell my friends all the time, that the gospel feels so slippery to me. I can enjoy it for just a second and then find myself proud that I've finally experienced a gospel heart, and then I'm on the hunt for the gospel all over again. It feels like I'm constantly searching for a edition or angle of the gospel I haven't heard before so it can finally be the one that shocks me long enough to outlast life. A newer, bigger truth to punch me in the chest, and knock the breath out of me long enough to where it'll finally last, and I can finally rest. So in many ways, I felt your pain, wanted to help, and felt so completely useless and unable to say anything more than "I know and I'm there."

I guess all I can give you are small pieces of what God has given me-- little glimpses of hope-- in the expectation that you will get through this, and that if you haven't always been here, you won't always be here.

You know me well enough to see that my mind works in sermons and my thoughts progressed in compartmentalized points, and they are as follows:

Where is Your Hope?
The Gospel Enjoyed v.s. The Gospel Received

Gospel is great news. In Greek, the word "gospel" is translated from literally means "the news that brings joy". And if it's true, how could it not? The captives have been set free, the thirsty drink living water never to thirst again, the blind are given eyes to see, we have rightfully escaped the wrath of God, we have been adopted into a heavenly family, we have been given right-standing and an open door to the throne room of God, the Spirit that hovered the waters before creation now guides us, and the most enjoyable reality and person in and outside of the entire universe has freely given himself to us for us to enjoy inexhaustibly and unendingly! This is not only great news, but unequivocally the greatest news that can ever been heard! You cannot within your own dreams and fantasies even playfully hypothesize a greater truth. It quite literally is impossible for greater news to exist.

However, when one applies systematic thinking to it and removes all the variables of sin, depravity, free will, and the like, it's very easy for this good news to become burdensome news or create a gospel that is so conditional that it feels like you've been handed a tangle mess of truths and loose ends and you have to unravel the gift before it will every be of any use to you. It's very easy to say "One is saved by believing the gospel. If the gospel brings joy and I have none, I do not believe the gospel. I am not saved." Even if one will not go to the extreme of questioning their salvation they will still in some shape or form decide that judgement day will be go wrong or in some way be worse than if they had believed. If this is not the case they will slip into depression and begin to feel hopeless because they are failing to do what ought to be done and living a life less of what should and could be lived. At times, I'm not always sure this is a bad thing.

The gospel is this: you, by no favor of your own-- not qualified by your wickedness or righteousness, were given the gift of saving faith. Before time the Father chose you, at the cross the Son purchased you, and while you were a dead and lifeless corpse, the Spirit regenerated you and gave you the gift of faith in Christ. There is nothing you can do to loose it, there is nothing you can do to gain it, and as long as it's a gift given to a sinner there is nothing you can do to lose it.

The only person who is every surprised by how much you don't believe the gospel is you. He knew exactly what he was getting when he bought it. Yes, sin and unbelief wound God. Yes, God hates sin. But if God is holy, holy, holy, and decides to find his highest pleasure in you based on the consistency and zeal of your faith, even the greatest of us would disgust him. God would have predestined, saved, and regenerated a bunch of people he simply can't stand. All of us. Does this mean that God is apathetic towards my growth or that great moments of faith don't even move him? Of course not. But like any father, he loves you because you are his child, and when you fall it hurts him, and when you triumph he celebrates, but you are always his child in whom he finds great pleasure in.

But we all know this, and we're still depressed. I admitted earlier that I struggle to enjoy Christ and yet I'm clearly capable of demonstrating the ability to somewhat articulate what I should believe. What does this mean? It means this:

I will always struggle to believe the gospel. It rubs against all that I want. I don't want what I know I deserve yet still want to be able to deserve everything. My hope is that although I struggle, Christ bought me. Although I don't enjoy yet, Christ bought me. Although I struggle to believe Christ bought me, Christ bought me. I'm apathetic, lazy, faithless, and feel like a lying fake but He knew that and still, Christ bought me. I can't surprise him, I can't disappoint him. The thought of the throne room terrifies me, I feel cold and distant, and when I try to meet God I can't stop thinking about how awesome of a Christian I would be if this works, but still, for some reason I can't explain, Christ bought me. That's my hope. Even when it's not my hope, Christ bought me. At the end of the day, when I see the King of Glory face-to-face, the only reason I won't be cast into hell like I know my faith and sin deserves is because Christ bought me. It will be because of Jesus alone that I get to stand in his presence. Not I was 1% good enough and Jesus will make up the other 99, but the only reason I get to stand is completely removed from me and it is, once again, because Christ bought me.

Fighting the Good Fight

Warring with Hope and Perseverance

Lastly, on an element of "where do I go from here?", I would first give you a warning and then a suggestion. The temptation upon hearing the gospel rearticulated is to take that rush of liberation and let it waste on "being as you are". When you know that the reason you are accepted is despite you brokeness, it's easy to want to take minimal or no initiative in areas of doubt, cold heartedness, and a lack of faith. In a way, you want to combat your addiction to legalism and hope in your performance by paying absolutely no attention to your performance at all. I would say that this is a dangerous error that should be avoided. 

There is a very distinct difference between rest and a joy in Christ and avoiding your struggles for the sake of feeling rested and joyful. While faith and salvation is a gift, the joy given in that must be fought for. Those moments of feeling alone in prayer, apathetic in the Word, fearful in evangelism, lazy in meditation-- those conflicts will not resolve themselves by floating on the surface of the gospel pond. If you refuse to walk in these areas of obedience, despite the fact you have been purchased, you will remain frustrated. This is going to be hard, heartbreaking, and upsetting on a level that nothing in your life can prepare you for but you've got to fight! Keep going to the Lord, knowing that even when it feels like this is going nowhere, that he is cleaning you, building you, strengthening you, and preparing you for good works. Keep putting yourself in the room, alone with Jesus, and praying despite how it feels or what you think is happening because you have both a deceitful wicked heart who can't stand to see its own faithlessness and you have a Father who has promised to heal you if you just keep knocking at the door. These are two guarantees. The bottom line is this: you're going to have to go through this.

I love you and your Father in heaven loves you and never believe that you are alone, different, or in some way different in your struggles from everyone else. Fight the good fight and don't give up- and even if for a moment you do, Christ bought you."

I hope that struck a chord with you. 

<3