"...I tell my friends all the time, that the gospel feels so slippery to me. I can enjoy it for just a second and then find myself proud that I've finally experienced a gospel heart, and then I'm on the hunt for the gospel all over again. It feels like I'm constantly searching for a edition or angle of the gospel I haven't heard before so it can finally be the one that shocks me long enough to outlast life. A newer, bigger truth to punch me in the chest, and knock the breath out of me long enough to where it'll finally last, and I can finally rest. So in many ways, I felt your pain, wanted to help, and felt so completely useless and unable to say anything more than "I know and I'm there."
I guess all I can give you are small pieces of what God has given me-- little glimpses of hope-- in the expectation that you will get through this, and that if you haven't always been here, you won't always be here.
You know me well enough to see that my mind works in sermons and my thoughts progressed in compartmentalized points, and they are as follows:
Where is Your Hope?
The Gospel Enjoyed v.s. The Gospel Received
Gospel is great news. In Greek, the word "gospel" is translated from literally means "the news that brings joy". And if it's true, how could it not? The captives have been set free, the thirsty drink living water never to thirst again, the blind are given eyes to see, we have rightfully escaped the wrath of God, we have been adopted into a heavenly family, we have been given right-standing and an open door to the throne room of God, the Spirit that hovered the waters before creation now guides us, and the most enjoyable reality and person in and outside of the entire universe has freely given himself to us for us to enjoy inexhaustibly and unendingly! This is not only great news, but unequivocally the greatest news that can ever been heard! You cannot within your own dreams and fantasies even playfully hypothesize a greater truth. It quite literally is impossible for greater news to exist.
However, when one applies systematic thinking to it and removes all the variables of sin, depravity, free will, and the like, it's very easy for this good news to become burdensome news or create a gospel that is so conditional that it feels like you've been handed a tangle mess of truths and loose ends and you have to unravel the gift before it will every be of any use to you. It's very easy to say "One is saved by believing the gospel. If the gospel brings joy and I have none, I do not believe the gospel. I am not saved." Even if one will not go to the extreme of questioning their salvation they will still in some shape or form decide that judgement day will be go wrong or in some way be worse than if they had believed. If this is not the case they will slip into depression and begin to feel hopeless because they are failing to do what ought to be done and living a life less of what should and could be lived. At times, I'm not always sure this is a bad thing.
The gospel is this: you, by no favor of your own-- not qualified by your wickedness or righteousness, were given the gift of saving faith. Before time the Father chose you, at the cross the Son purchased you, and while you were a dead and lifeless corpse, the Spirit regenerated you and gave you the gift of faith in Christ. There is nothing you can do to loose it, there is nothing you can do to gain it, and as long as it's a gift given to a sinner there is nothing you can do to lose it.
The only person who is every surprised by how much you don't believe the gospel is you. He knew exactly what he was getting when he bought it. Yes, sin and unbelief wound God. Yes, God hates sin. But if God is holy, holy, holy, and decides to find his highest pleasure in you based on the consistency and zeal of your faith, even the greatest of us would disgust him. God would have predestined, saved, and regenerated a bunch of people he simply can't stand. All of us. Does this mean that God is apathetic towards my growth or that great moments of faith don't even move him? Of course not. But like any father, he loves you because you are his child, and when you fall it hurts him, and when you triumph he celebrates, but you are always his child in whom he finds great pleasure in.
But we all know this, and we're still depressed. I admitted earlier that I struggle to enjoy Christ and yet I'm clearly capable of demonstrating the ability to somewhat articulate what I should believe. What does this mean? It means this:
I will always struggle to believe the gospel. It rubs against all that I want. I don't want what I know I deserve yet still want to be able to deserve everything. My hope is that although I struggle, Christ bought me. Although I don't enjoy yet, Christ bought me. Although I struggle to believe Christ bought me, Christ bought me. I'm apathetic, lazy, faithless, and feel like a lying fake but He knew that and still, Christ bought me. I can't surprise him, I can't disappoint him. The thought of the throne room terrifies me, I feel cold and distant, and when I try to meet God I can't stop thinking about how awesome of a Christian I would be if this works, but still, for some reason I can't explain, Christ bought me. That's my hope. Even when it's not my hope, Christ bought me. At the end of the day, when I see the King of Glory face-to-face, the only reason I won't be cast into hell like I know my faith and sin deserves is because Christ bought me. It will be because of Jesus alone that I get to stand in his presence. Not I was 1% good enough and Jesus will make up the other 99, but the only reason I get to stand is completely removed from me and it is, once again, because Christ bought me.
Fighting the Good Fight
Warring with Hope and Perseverance
Lastly, on an element of "where do I go from here?", I would first give you a warning and then a suggestion. The temptation upon hearing the gospel rearticulated is to take that rush of liberation and let it waste on "being as you are". When you know that the reason you are accepted is despite you brokeness, it's easy to want to take minimal or no initiative in areas of doubt, cold heartedness, and a lack of faith. In a way, you want to combat your addiction to legalism and hope in your performance by paying absolutely no attention to your performance at all. I would say that this is a dangerous error that should be avoided.
There is a very distinct difference between rest and a joy in Christ and avoiding your struggles for the sake of feeling rested and joyful. While faith and salvation is a gift, the joy given in that must be fought for. Those moments of feeling alone in prayer, apathetic in the Word, fearful in evangelism, lazy in meditation-- those conflicts will not resolve themselves by floating on the surface of the gospel pond. If you refuse to walk in these areas of obedience, despite the fact you have been purchased, you will remain frustrated. This is going to be hard, heartbreaking, and upsetting on a level that nothing in your life can prepare you for but you've got to fight! Keep going to the Lord, knowing that even when it feels like this is going nowhere, that he is cleaning you, building you, strengthening you, and preparing you for good works. Keep putting yourself in the room, alone with Jesus, and praying despite how it feels or what you think is happening because you have both a deceitful wicked heart who can't stand to see its own faithlessness and you have a Father who has promised to heal you if you just keep knocking at the door. These are two guarantees. The bottom line is this: you're going to have to go through this.
I love you and your Father in heaven loves you and never believe that you are alone, different, or in some way different in your struggles from everyone else. Fight the good fight and don't give up- and even if for a moment you do, Christ bought you."
I hope that struck a chord with you.
<3
